ladon: (won't you take me to have and to hold)
Λάδων ([personal profile] ladon) wrote2012-07-14 04:25 am
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i was gonna play pokemon since my internet is being whack but i can't find my DS now??? oh fuck it's probably still in the car i don't want to go outside A U G H

anyway i went to alaska which was gr8 except when it wasn't because it was visiting my family and I'm not a person who is big on family?? like that is what happens when one of your parents is a foster child and the other came from the definition of fucked up suburban after school special!!

it's worse b/c these are the people i have seen the least since they live so far away and I would only see them once a year at an event I stopped going to for the most part to avoid my sexual predator grandfather (see: suburban after school special)

and like

i really can't stand spending extended amounts of time around people i'm not comfortable with, and honestly it feels like i barely know these people and the whole ~family~ thing doesn't do anything to ease my comfort so it's like ehhhhhh

and of course i'm so fucked up when it comes to mental health and my aunt & uncle are both really over bearing and headstrong so ... our trip JUST SO HAPPENED to sync up with the start of my menstrual cycle so i was pretty much useless and made them think i was an invalid so on came the advice, all of which i have heard before and have been hearing for um my entire life.

and i'm not assertive to people i'm not comfortable with i'm barely assertive to people I am comfortable with and of course there's the family thing so I can't tell them to stop-- and when I explain this to my mom she tells me i need to stand up for myself and continues to remain silent when they start up on it again b/c they 'never see me and are just trying to help'

but yeah

so i shut down for a day and didn't get out of bed which freaked them all out and mom acted like she had no idea what would bring this on like i've never done that before and haven't been doing it for years and like wow isn't that familiar??? at all?????

but then of course it's shitty because this was supposed to be her vacation and i'm fucking with it by once again being too psycho to release to the general population and lmao i really am such a burden to everyone who cares about me

it's funny because i did have a good time?? i just constantly felt inadequate and isolated from everyone and reminded of how much of a fucking human disaster i am compared to other people

in short yes you are the first person who has ever told me to exercise ever this is brand new information please continue